Double Bonus Book Review!
What. A. Treat.
This book is a heavy hitter, and it must speak volumes because we have two reviews for it!
I think it's safe to say we recommend reading this book. Both of our clinicians have written a short
summary and pulled a collection of their favorite quotes. Flip through and let us know what you think!
“In this book, you’ll find out why one or both of your parents couldn’t give you the kind of interactions that could have nourished you emotionally. You’ll learn exactly why you may have felt so unseen and unknown by your parent, and why your well-meaning efforts at communication never made things better.” -Christine
Lindsay Gibson's (PsyD) "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" explores the impact of growing up with emotionally immature and unavailable parents. Within the book, Gibson offers insight into the different types of emotionally immature parents, and looks to understand the pattern of generational trauma that can lead to emotional immaturity. Gibson also shares clinical stories, validation, and tools, to help adults navigate the painful wound left by childhood emotional neglect.
“Growing up in a family with emotionally immature parents is a lonely experience. These parents may look and act perfectly normal, caring for their child’s physical health and providing meals and safety. However, if they don’t make a solid emotional connection with their child, the child will have a gaping hole where true security might have been.” (7)
‘I should be happy. Why do I feel miserable?’ This is the classic confusion of a person whose physical needs were met in childhood while emotional needs remained unfulfilled.” (13)
“Emotional neglect can make premature independence feel like a virtue. Many people who were neglected as children don’t realize that their independence was a necessity, not a choice.” (115)
“When you’re going through a breakdown, a good question to ask is what is actually breaking down. We usually think it’s our self. But what’s typically happening is that our struggle to deny our emotional truth is breaking down.” (126)
The goal is for you to gain the self confidence that comes from knowing the truth of your own story. You aren’t betraying your parents by seeing them accurately. Thinking about them objectively can’t hurt them. But it can help you.
I have a special place in my heart for people… who function so well that other people think they have no problems. In fact, their competence makes it hard for them to take their own pain seriously. ‘I have it all’ they’re likely to say. ‘I should be happy. Why do I feel so miserable?’ This is the classic confusion of a person whose physical needs were met in childhood while emotional needs remained unfulfilled.
Terms like ‘self absorbed’ and ‘narcissistic’ make it sound as if these people enjoy thinking about themselves all the time, but they really have no choice in the matter. They have fundamental doubts about their core worth as human beings… In this way, their egocentrism is more like the self preoccupation of someone with a chronic pain condition, rather than someone who can’t get enough of himself or herself.
“Emotionally immature parents fear genuine emotion and pull back from emotional closeness. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality rather than dealing with it. They don’t welcome self reflection, so they rarely accept blame or apologize. Their immaturity makes them inconsistent and emotionally unreliable, and they’re blind to their children’s needs once their own agenda comes into play... when parents are emotionally immature, their children’s emotional needs will almost always lose out to the parents survival instincts."
Associate Marriage & Family Therapist #127053
Under the Supervision of Amber Keating LCSW #22838
Associate Marriage & Family Therapist #126878
Under the Supervision of Tracy Bevington LMFT #53455